


Lost and Found

by randythrandy24



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, Recovery, Spoilers, bucky is lost, he visits the museum, just bucky remembering, like a lot, not really shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 16:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1476202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randythrandy24/pseuds/randythrandy24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Bucky…<i></i></i><br/> <br/>That’s what the man had called him. Bucky… But he isn’t him. He doesn’t remember. He is the Winter Soldier. A weapon. An asset. He has nothing but the mission. But now there is no mission and he is lost. So he stares at the man with his face. He stares at the man who called out to him. His failed mission.<i> Steve<i>, his brain supplies.</i></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and Found

Every day. Every day he visits the museum. He stays from open to close, until the man in the hat tells him it's time to go. The man never asks questions, and for that he is grateful.

He watches every clip they have, until he can recite every word. He stares at the glass pane with the picture of the man who wears his face. He reads it over and over. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.

_Bucky… ___

That’s what the man had called him. Bucky… But he isn’t him. He doesn’t remember. He's the Winter Soldier. A weapon. An asset. He has nothing but the mission. But now there is no mission and he is lost. So he stares at the man with his face. He stares at the man who called out to him. His failed mission. _Steve _, his brain supplies.__

When he goes home he thinks. He tries to remember who he was, who he is. But there's nothing. There's nothing there and he isn't sure how he should feel about that. He doesn't want to know and at the same time he does.

For an entire month he continues this routine. He wakes up, he puts on his hat and he goes to the museum. There are no changes to the routine and he still remembers nothing. The man tells him it is time to leave and so he does. He goes home and he takes off his hat and he lays down on the floor where he's made a small nest out of a pile of blankets.

It's then that he remembers for the first time. He had had nightmares of falling and the cold and the howling of the wind, but this is different. This isn't a nightmare. He sees something new this time.

_Steve is there, but he's different. He's smaller and he's coughing. Bucky is there too. He sits on the edge of the bed, his hand rubbing circles on Steve’s back, murmuring ‘Breathe, Stevie. Breathe. There you go. That’s it. Nice deep breaths.’ ___

He wakes with a start. As he sits there he clenches and unclenches his metal hand. In the dream…the memory… it had been flesh and bone. It had been the one rubbing circles on Steve’s back. He feels a longing in him. He wants to do that.

He doesn't go back to sleep after that. He sits there and he stares at his hand, watches his metal fingers grasp at nothing. He swears he can feel Steve’s warmth on the tips of his fingers and the palm of his hand. He scoffs at that thought and rips the blankets off. He moves to the window and waits for the museum to open.

His routine changes after the memory. He no longer stares at the man who has his face. Instead he stares at Steve more intently. He focuses harder on the videos and the pictures and the stories.

There is one video that stands out to him. It's the one of Steve and the man who has his face, _Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky _. They're looking at each other and they're smiling. He feels a pain in chest and his throat tightens. He doesn't understand what he's feeling. He's seen this video hundreds of times and yet he had never felt anything before. Now he feels pain. He doesn't understand, so he runs.__

He goes to the place he's hold up in and gathers all his belongings, not that he has much. Weapons mostly and the blankets. He leaves and he doesn't know where he's going. His feet take him away, because that's where he has to go. He has to go away.

He finds himself in a rundown diner somewhere in New York. He orders food and realizes he has no money so he strangles the waiter. The food remains untouched. He hides in an abandoned building with broken windows and cracked floors. The cool air rushes through and brings back more memories.

_He's walking home. When he gets there he finds Steve, so small and fragile, laying in his bed, wrapped in every blanket they have. Steve is shivering. That's when he notices how cold it is in their apartment. Steve peeks his head out of the blankets and looks up at him with his big, blue eyes and gives him a lopsided smile. ‘The landlord cut off the heat again.’ The Winter Soldier, no Bucky, curses and angrily kicks off his boots before pulling off his dirty work shirt and says, ‘Move over, punk.’ He slides under the covers and wraps his arms around Steve, pulling him close, keeping him safe and warm. ___

When he wakes up he swears he can feel this too. This time he doesn't scoff. He pulls the blankets higher and buries his face in them. He's tired. He wants to go back to sleep, but it eludes him. So he once again rips the blankets off and goes to the window, waiting for the museum to open. It's then that he remembers he can't go to the museum today, because he's in New York now, not Washington D.C.

When the light peeks though the broken glass he leaves. His arm feels heavier than usual. Underneath the glove he curls and uncurls his fingers. He notices that two of them have stopped working, the pinky and the ring finger. He should care, but he doesn’t.

He wanders around New York that day and finds himself somewhere that feels eerily familiar. The building is falling apart and the stairwells are rusted and hardly attached to the building anymore. He knows this place.

_He's walking behind Steve. They had just come back from a funeral. Steve’s mother, he hears a voice say in the back of his mind. They are talking but he can't hear the words. He kicks over a rock and reaches down to pick up a key. He's looking at Steve, trying to lighten the mood, to reassure him. The only thing he hears is himself saying what Steve had said to him on the helicarrier as he tried to finish his mission. ‘I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.’ ___

When he comes out of the memory he falls to his knees. He is gasping for breath. He reaches out with his metal arm. Even without function in two fingers his grip is so strong that it tears the stairs clean off the wall. He sits there for what feels like hours, trying to catch his breath and part of him laughs, because this too reminds him of Steve.

When he's finally regained his breath he stands and quickly makes for the train station. He has to get back to Washington D.C. He has to get back to the museum. He thinks that it will tell him what he wants to know, what he needs to know.

And so his routine begins again. He doesn't stay in the same place this time and he moves nearly every night. He's careful, leaving no trace of his presence behind. He hides in plain sight at the museum. It is easy there. Captain America is popular so there's always a crowd. The movies are played in a dark room and no one thinks twice about the man sitting in the corner with a dirty cap and even dirtier hair.

The next day he doesn't go to the museum. Instead he goes to the library. He sits at a table far in the back with piles upon piles of books surrounding him. He reads everything he can about Steve Rogers, about Captain America, about Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.

As he's reading he doesn't notice the librarian walk up to him. When she speaks he recoils so far that he almost falls backwards. He can see that he's scared her but this doesn't bother him. She asks if he needs anything and he doesn't reply. He simply looks at her and shakes his head. When she leaves he can feel her eyes still on him and his grip tightens on the book. He thinks about killing her but he doesn't.

He returns to the library and reads what he couldn't the day before. This time he is sitting at a different table and he is ready when the same librarian walks up to him. She asks him if he would like to use a computer to find more information. He nods and follows.

It doesn't take him long to figure out how to use the internet. It has more information than the books and it is quicker and easier. He finds pictures that he hadn't seen at the museum. There are some of Steve and Bucky taken during the war. They are both dirty and haggard. He notices that the smile Bucky has doesn't quite reach his eyes. He wonders why. He prints off this photo as well as several others and stuffs them inside his jacket.

The motel he chooses is seedy but it is cheap and he uses money he stole off a drug dealer in an ally to pay for the night. He checks the doors and the windows, making sure everything is locked and that the room has no bugs. He never feels safe but then again he never has. When this is done he sits on the bed and pulls the pictures out. That night he doesn't sleep.

One picture in particular stands out to him. He notices that it is the only one he could find of him and Steve before Steve became Captain America. He has his arm thrown around Steve’s shoulder and Steve is smiling so wide that it looks like it hurts. He has his head thrown back, laughing at something. He freezes when he realizes that he thinks of himself as the one in the picture and not of Bucky, the man who has his face. It is not until he sees a drop of wetness splash onto the edge of the picture that he realizes he is crying. He snarls and crumples it up in his metal hand before tossing it across the room. The rest of the pictures end up in the trash.

In the morning he panics and leaps off the ground. Where is Steve? Where is the picture? He tears the room apart looking for it, rifling through the trash. When it's not there his throat tightens and his eyes blur. Where is the picture? WHERE IS IT? Out of the corner of his eye he sees it sitting on the floor, balled up. He crawls over to it and grabs it with shaking hands, even his metal arm is shaking. He straightens it as best he can and curses himself for ruining it in the first place. After he's regained his senses he goes and pays for another night and spends the rest of the day sitting on the bed, staring at the picture.

He decides to follow Steve, in order to learn more about him and about Bucky. It's not a hard thing to do. Steve doesn't hide like he does. It takes him only an hour to find him and when he does his breathing quickens and his hand tightens around the picture he has carefully folded in his pocket. Steve is at a restaurant, reading a file of some kind ( _most likely about the Winter Soldier, his mind supplies _), his food long forgotten. The man whose wings he ripped off is there too. He isn't close enough to hear them but he can tell from his face that whatever they are talking about is serious.__

He follows Steve to his apartment. It's small but it's nice and enough for one person. He feels the corners of his mouth turn up as he thinks about how the heat probably works in this one. He feels better for some reason, knowing that Steve is no longer cold. He watches Steve cook dinner and eat by himself. He watches him reading in the nice leather armchair.

He doesn't leave until Steve falls asleep in the chair. When he gets to the new motel he is staying at he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the picture, unfolding it and holding it gingerly in his hands. He notices that his middle finger has stopped working. It refuses to uncurl just like the other two. When he lays down another memory comes to him.

_He is falling in and out of consciousness for what feels like days. He doesn't know how long he's been strapped down to the table and he can no longer tell if it is day or night. His eyes refuse to focus and his brain is slow. He hears things but he doesn't know what they are or where they come from. He knows he is going to die here. His throat is sore and dry and he can no longer scream. He hears the pounding of feet and he feels someone grabbing and tearing at the restraints. He opens his eyes and he sees Steve, but he isn't the same. He's helped off the table and his legs feel weak. Steve looks at him and says, ‘I thought you were dead.’ He replies, ‘I thought you were smaller.’ ___

He sits outside Steve’s apartment again, on a building across the street. He watches and watches, hoping this man will bring back something. Today he waits for Steve to leave for his morning run. When he does, he slips off the building and through the window. Inside he looks around. He moves slowly, taking in all the details. He sees the shield lying against the wall in the hallway and it brings back flashes of their fight on the helicarrier.

He enters what must be Steve’s room next. The bed is nicely made and a pair of clothes wait folded on the edge. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a framed picture, so he turns and moves closer to get a better look at it. It's the same picture he has tucked away in his pocket, the original one. He reaches out and runs his fingers, the ones made of flesh and bone, along the frame. It distracts him briefly but he moves on. Back in the living room he sees the file sitting on the table. As he thought, it's about him. He picks it up and flicks through it, before deciding to take it with him. While he is sliding through the window he hears the door rattle and quickly shoves himself the rest of the way out, before shutting the window without a sound.

He stays in the motel again. He sits wrapped in his blankets and goes through the file, reading it carefully and taking in every detail. There are pictures of him in the cryo chamber and he thinks he looks different while inside it. He takes the picture with him to the mirror and stares at his face intently. Dark circles under his eyes, his hair matted and dirty, his beard longer than he likes. In the picture he looks calm, relaxed, the muscles of his face are loose. In the mirror he looks rough, tense, his mouth pressed into a tight line. He tries to smile. His lips curve upwards but it doesn't reach his eyes, just like in the one picture he'd seen on the internet. He goes back to his nest and goes back to reading. Flashes of things he had done as the Winter Soldier come to him. _Bombings, assassinations, Howard and Maria Stark _. He doesn't sleep that night.__

He goes to a barbershop the next day. He brings a picture of Bucky, how he was in the 40's. He wants his hair done like that but he can't bring himself to ask for it, so he just nods when the man ask if he wants a wash and a trim. He gets nervous when the barber pulls out a straight razor and asks if he wants a shave. The barber must notice this so he asks if he wants it done with an electric razor instead. He nods again. The beard is scratchy and annoying and he wants it gone. When he gets back to the motel and looks in the mirror he thinks he doesn't look so rough anymore. His face and his hair are clean. He remains standing there all night, turning his head from side to side.

Steve and the man with the wings, Sam Wilson he learns, are eating lunch together again. He's closer this time and he can hear them talking.

“I’m telling you Sam, it was there when I left for my run and when I got back it was gone.”

“Are you sure you didn’t misplace it man? Your memory could finally be going. I hear that’s a thing that happens to people when they get old.”

He hears Steve sigh and watches as they continue to chat.

“Who else would have broken into my apartment and taken the file? Nothing else is missing and nothing is out of place. Just Bucky’s file. It had to be him.”

“Steve, man, you really need to get yourself some better locks. What if wasn’t Bucky? Huh? What if it was some HYDRA agent and they were still there when you got back? What if it was the Winter Soldier come to kill you?”

He frowns at this. Now, he thinks, he doesn't want to kill Steve. He is neither the Winter Soldier nor Bucky. He doesn't know who or what he is anymore. He does know that he's tired. He's tired of running and tired of hiding. He's tired of the dirty motels, of the money that isn’t his. He just wants to feel safe.

As he watches and listens he absently tries to clench and unclench his metal fist, but when he looks down none of his fingers move. He finds himself wishing that he had never taken the glove off it before all the fingers stopped working, it would be easier to hide it that way. He stares at his hand is disgust before shoving it into his jacket pocket. Now, every time he sees the arm he also sees Steve. He sees it crashing into his face over and over and he hears Steve’s voice saying _‘I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.’ ___

He waits for Steve to leave for his run the next day before he sneaks in through the window of his apartment again. He wants to return the file. He's learned all he can from it and from the conversation he heard yesterday he thinks that Steve may want it back. He puts it down where he got it and makes to leave but then he remembers the framed picture next to Steve’s bed.

He picks it up this time and brings it close to his face. He likes the original version better than the copied one he still has folded in his pocket. He sets it back down and as he makes to leave he makes a split second decision. He takes his copy of the photo and gently slides it underneath the file. He doesn't know why he does this, but it feels right, he thinks, as he slips out the window.

He goes to the roof across the street and waits for Steve to return. When he enters the apartment he doesn't go directly to the living room, instead he goes to the kitchen and grabs a cup, moving to the sink to fill it with water. He sees Steve take the cup to the living room and freeze. The cup is set gently on the table and Steve moves to pick up the file. The picture he had tucked underneath falls to the ground and Steve reaches for it. He sets the file back down and carefully, like it might burst into flames in his hands, unfolds the dirty, crumpled piece of paper. He sees Steve’s eyes widen and he sees the tears slide down his cheeks. He frowns. He doesn't like seeing Steve cry.

After this he no longer covers his trail. He wants Steve to find him. He's tired of running, so tired. His routine begins again. He goes to the museum as soon as they open and doesn't leave until the man in the hat tells him it is time to go. It takes two days before he sees Steve walk in not ten minutes after the museum opens. He is standing there looking at the video of the two of them together, the one where they are smiling. He doesn't turn to look but he knows Steve is walking up to him, he can hear how tentatively he approaches. He doesn't turn until he hears Steve speak, just barely audible. “Bucky.” He says. And that is all it takes.

He walks away, without even glancing at Steve. It isn't until he reaches the door near the exhibit that he turns and says, “Well? You comin’ or not, punk?” Steve’s face changes in a second, a smile breaking out. He thinks that he likes it when Steve smiles. “Jerk.” Steve says when he catches up. He looks at Steve and his lips curve. This time, the smile reaches his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely loved this movie and had to write something. Feedback is always welcome. You can find me on Tumblr @ randythrandy24. Thank you for reading!


End file.
